Credit Score Blues

(Spoken in a voice loud and deep and resonant enough to fill a large plush-chaired auditorium with box seating, uniformed ushers and guests in Mink shawls.)

Hello, I am a sub-prime borrower, a less than, an unsavory investment riddled with high interest debt like bullet holes in a Renault on a street in Aleppo; don’t touch me, don’t go near me, in fact avoid me like you avoid your cousin who contracted Hepatitis B from that café with the sour deli meat; when we go to lunch and you take a smiling phone call from your wife/husband/brother/sister/father/mother/best friend/banker, I will avoid two calls, “not answering that,” I say quietly, and then cover my tracks by remarking how such a drag it is when unknown numbers ring and don’t leave voicemails, but you will understand hidden meaning and simply agree with me, maybe sharing a glance with the other Well-Qualified Leasee with us, subtly agreeing I’m an unsavory, not quite on the same plane of financial stability, subdivided socioeconomic category; you wonder, probably, if it’s heritage catching up, a long line of sub-primes or if it’s just pure budget denseness, money disrespect, value as a skill never learned like swimming, while up to the ears drowning, hoping for a lifebuoy, the lottery, to magically bestow the dough to wipe it all away, one day I say to myself while you ponder a second house for passive income; I am a sub-prime, it doesn’t matter if I pay the electric or the cell phone on time, no reward for those positive movements only punishments; I am a less than, running among the rabbits, deer and sheep, I pull up lame, allowing wolves to corner, pounce and feast on my insides for pennies on the dollar, I get passed around by those with slick-haired CEOs, COOs, CFOs, building wealth on the backs of others’ financial mishaps, help me out credit counseling, I pray to thee Dave Ramsey, like the God son of bank ledgers, lead me far toward a lowered APR, teach me conscience FICO righteousness, Dear Lord of In Arrears, I fear my Score will be displayed in standing flower arrangements beside my casket, only loaned for the viewing, burial on hold, until full payments processed by any and all remaining assets.

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